Struggles

"I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me."
... 2 Nephi 4:18

Why even when our greatest desires are to do good, it is still so difficult not to wander off the path that God would have us follow?  Why do sins so easily beset me? Jesus was certainly right when he said, "the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak".
Nonetheless, as Nephi also said - "I know in whom I have trusted. My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions...he hath filled me with his love." (2 Nephi 4:19-21)

The more I live, the more I realize just how much forgiveness is a gift from Christ for ALL of us, for which we all have great need, because we all make mistakes, and we all commit sins which cause ourselves and others harm. I realize more and more that repentence is one of the first principles of the gospel because it is an absolutely essential process for each of us, that we might come to a knowledge of our wrongs, that we might be humble, that we might learn to overcome them, and that we might be washed clean through Christ's atoning sacrifice.
      "All we like sheep have gone astray"... but through Christ, "though our sins be as scarlet, they shall be white as snow, though they be as crimson, they shall be as wool."
       This is a great comfort to me as I stumble through this road they call "Life", that even though I make mistakes, though I falter and I fall again and again and again - I know that if I keep trying, if I keep looking with steadfastness towards Christ, eventually he will help me to overcome all of my weaknesses.

Jesus said:  "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)

And in Ether he said:
 "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."  (Ether12: 27)

Oh, how I want God to make my weaknesses strong!   But I know I must be patient and trust in him.

One of my very favorite scriptures is Moroni 7:48:
 "Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons [and daughters!] of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure.
Amen.

I live

It seems like truth keeps turning
Like it's changing
Like I'm trying to find the top of the world
And suddenly I realize
I'm on the bottom
Or that
there is no bottom,
No top
Only this place I happen to be standing
Which is moving
At every moment
And everything is relative
And everything is easy
And nothing is simple
And everything is hard.
I am trying to find the stable ground
They speak of
The solid rock, the sound, strong place
Where nothing wavers
Where I face the world
With solid faith.

I am looking for the truth
Even if it's changing or
If time is rearranging things
So everything is different.
But everything is always different,
And everything is always the same
And nothing is ever different, or the same.

Eternity is forever new, and newness is forever old
The new souls continue to be born
And the old souls continue to be older
And so they are new, too.
I think that this is true.

And when we reach into our depths we find, we too
Are springs of everlasting life,
Of thoughts
Of time,
We cannot become old
Or,
We cannot become new. 
Or we can forever become new,
Again, and again, and again.
We are the same,
But ever changing
Ever reinventing and creating
It is the way of life, of living things
We want to see things moving
And progressing
And so progress remains
The ever constant state
of everything.

How I love to live,
How I love to move and breathe
And not have any breath ever, ever be the same
Every breath is fresh
And every breath will change a little
Who I am
It moves me
And I move through space
And after I breathe next,
Nothing will ever be the same, again
Because I changed something,
And I can never take it back,
And I have given something to the world,
And it has given to me,
And I have lived.  

Seeking truth

Sometimes the pathway to follow is not very clear.  Sometimes it seems like God lets us wander around in the murk for a while before he gives us any answers.   Sometimes it seems like the questions we have wondered for years will be the ones that might never be answered, that we will have to "wait until the next life" to find.   Need it be this way?  I have heard it said, "Everyone that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened".  I suppose these words give no indication as to exactly "when" we shall receive the answers we seek, but that eventually they will come.  Perhaps if we were to seek more diligently we could find more of the answers which we desire. 

To seek implies work, it implies a period of time, a period of searching, of wandering.  In the process of some of my quests for truth, I have observed myself learn lessons I was not seeking, but it seems the Lord intended for me. 

Sometimes it seems we are kept from the truth we seek for a time, in order that we become aware of other truths that only God knew we needed to know. 

Sometimes wrong choices, if reflected upon, can lead us to the right ones, or at the very least, to better ones. 

Should we try to make wrong choices then?  I don't think so.  We are certain to make enough of them as we try to make the right ones. 

We can live our entire lives based on many true precepts, but a few false ones can cause a lot of heartache and missed opportunities.  I would like to avoid this, if possible.  And yet, I know that every experience, or lack thereof, is an experience in and of itself.  And I know God gives all his blessings to each of his children who seek them, eventually - but some blessings may not be given to some until the next life.  Sometimes it is because of choices we make, sometimes it is because of choices others make, sometimes it is because of a natural occurrence - a sickness, or accident, or something else, that we having blessings taken from us, or never have the chance to receive them.  But eventually I believe everyone will have the opportunity to receive every good thing. 

I believe there is a source of pure truth, that there is a divine being/beings who know everything there is to know, and that this being's desire is for my learning and growth and happiness.  

I seek truth.  I desire learning, I desire growth, in every shape and form. 

I believe questioning is vital.  Searching is vital.  Seeking truth from God is vital.   Seeking truth from experience is vital.  Listening, and studying, pondering, and praying, is vital.  One scripture I love says, "Seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom.... Seek learning, even by study, and also by faith".   

I believe one of the main reasons God sent us to earth was to gain experience.   He knows we cannot truly learn anything well but through experience.   And so I ask myself, what are the experiences that would be best for me to have? What are the best ways to learn? To find happiness, to find love? 

I believe in natural laws, and I believe in a God who didn't necessarily create natural laws, but abides perfectly in them.  He understands the laws of nature, including the laws of spiritual nature such as happiness and misery, joy and sadness, pleasure and pain, justice and mercy, and he understands the actions and reactions that exist because of those laws. 

I believe God abides perfectly in the law of love, which is what makes him God. 

I believe it is our task to try to learn to also abide in the law of love, and that this is what brings us true happiness. And I believe that God gives us other laws, and guidelines to help us know how to abide in love.   For instance..."Thou shalt not kill", "Thou shalt not covet", "Thou shalt not commit adultery", are all commandments to help us live the way love dictates.   "Love is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked"... are others.   And to "mourn with those who mourn, and comfort those who stand in need of comfort", is another.   All of them stem from one beautiful law: to love. 

I love truth, and I wish God could fill me completely with it right now.  But I know we are all works in progress, and God cannot suddenly transform us into different people.  He won't do this because he loves the people we are, and he doesn't want to just turn us into somebody different, but he wants us be become the person that he sees we have the potential to become.   This is a natural process, which takes time.    Just as a little child must learn and grow in the proper time, so must we (who are, after all, God's children), and he will not force the process upon us.  It cannot work that way.  We have to learn and grow and feel and experience and laugh and cry and love and live.   And thus we grow, bit by bit by bit.  And we can come to more and more realizations with time.  We become older and wiser.  And if we strive to become better people, we can do this, as well. 

I am so grateful for a God who lets us live, who lets us make choices, who lets us be ourselves, who expects us to learn both by study and by faith and by experience.   

I wish I could learn faster, but like the apostle Paul, I must learn "to be content in whatever circumstances I find myself".   And all the while, I keep a hope in my heart for improvement, for progression. 

I pray God will help me find all the answers which I seek.   

  

Another day at the temple

Yesterday I went to my friend Stephanie's wedding at the Billings Temple.   It was a very sweet ceremony.  She and her husband, Rick, knelt across an altar from each other while the officiator read the vows to which they each had to reply, "yes".   But Stephanie could barely say the word yes because she was so happy and she immediately started to cry.   It made me cry to see them so happy. 
Afterwards she had also had an outdoor ring ceremony, with bridesmaids and flower girls and a normal wedding processional down the aisle.   That was also lovely.

Here is a picture of a "sealing room", where marriages take place.   This one isn't the room in the Billings Temple, but it looks almost exactly like this, except without the window:

 

My experience at the wedding in the temple was much more peaceful than my first trip through the endowment session in the temple.    

But one of my friends want to go through the temple again with me next week, so I will probably do that.

A picture of Stephanie with her husband outside the temple:

Temple Reflections

So I went to the temple two days ago... and I have to say that it was very different than I was expecting it to be!   The ceremony has much much more ritual and symbolism in it than anything I have ever experienced (or imagined myself experiencing) in Mormonism.    I am not quite sure what to feel about the experience, right now, but I believe in time I will come to know for certain what is right.  

My voice teacher, Lesley Jorden, whom I studied with for my voice degree at Montana State University in Billings, happened to be working in the temple that day and was my "guide".   That made me happy, and it was very sweet and special to have her there.  

I really liked the "initiatory" session of the temple, where I was given a blessing of health and strength by women dressed all in white (I was also dressed in white), one of whom happened to have been one of my teachers in seminary many years ago.   That was also very sweet.

But I didn't understand the second part of the ceremony very well (called the "endowment session")... I felt very uncomfortable during it and it left me feeling quite overwhelmed.     So now I am praying for God to help me know what is right and true. 

I will probably go back and see if I feel I begin to gain something there, to see beyond the ritual and symbolism to what is really being taught.    Because certainly the only purpose in learning a symbol is to understand the true meaning that the symbol is supposed to represent....

We will see.   The one thing I know for certain is that God loves me.  He has answered my prayers too many times for me not to believe that.  I am so grateful for his goodness, and I pray He will continue to bless me with answers to my prayers and guidance throughout my life.

Temple Day

Tomorrow (well, I guess technically now it's today since it's past midnight when I am posting this!) I am going to go through the temple for the first time.   My sister is coming to town in the morning and she will go with me, as well a my mom and the two woment who taught my "Temple Preparation" class. 

The temple in Billings is very beautiful.  I toured it a long time ago when they first built it, before it was dedicated.  And I sang in the choir at the dedication!

Tomorrow I'll go to "receive my endowment", as it is called.  Basically that means that I will make covenants to keep the commandments of God, and have blessings pronounced upon me that I am promised to receive if I strive to keep those covenants.   My friend Stephanie will be getting married in the temple on Saturday, so I will be able to attend her wedding in the temple after I have gone through the temple myself tomorrow.   She is going to come with me when I take out my endowments tomorrow, as well. 


I have some nice pictures of the Billings temple here: 




The Celestial Room inside the Billings Montana Temple.

"Fiberglass oxen supporting the marbled baptismal font at the LDS Temple in Billings represent the 12 tribes of Israel and the strength upon which God’s work rests. In the Mormon religion, the obedient and faithful make up the covenant family chosen to accomplish God’s purposes. God’s work rests on them, in the same way the temple font rests on the oxen. Temples in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are not just large churches. They are considered some of the most sacred places on Earth. "

One of the three sealing rooms


The Baptistry


The bride's room.


Read more: http://billingsgazette.com/news/features/magazine/image_0c9b42cd-0628-5a20-9201-359d3cd41112.html#ixzz1S9fVzCfN


 By Aaron Nuffer
 

by Aaron Nuffer

I am excited, and a little nervous!   But everyone who goes there tells me they always feel a great sense of peace and love every time they go.

 So, here I go!

A beautiful quote

"...O Sarah! If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the brightest day and in the darkest night—amidst your happiest scenes and gloomiest hours—always, always; and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath; or the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by.
Sarah, do not mourn ...me dead; think I am gone and wait for me, for we shall meet again.
As for my little boys, they will grow as I have done, and never know a father's love and care. Little Willie is too young to remember me long, and my blue-eyed Edgar will keep my frolics with him among the dimmest memories of his childhood. Sarah, I have unlimited confidence in your maternal care and your development of their characters. O Sarah, I wait for you there! Come to me, and lead thither my children."
- Written by Sullivan Ballou who died a week after he wrote this letter to his wife. - Civil War