If God has given me life,
I shall choose to live
If God has given me all,
I shall choose to give
All that I have to Him.

Helping me Quietly

God is in the voice inside my head
He isn't dead
He speaks to me
Quietly.
God is in the peace inside my heart
He is a part
Of everything
I see
God is in the music that I play
I cannot say
Just how
I feel Him 'round me
But
He surrounds me
And I know
He hears me now -
In despair or in delight
In every word
Though wrong or right,
I know He hears --
I feel His gentle guiding light,
I feel His tugging at my heart.
Through all I feel and hear and see,
God is helping me,
Quietly.

up and down...and prayer

This week I have been swinging up and down in and out of some sort of depression... I was really lonely on Saturday and spent most of my day in my room, where I started to feel like I wanted to scream or just go hysterical.  It probably wasn't a good idea to stay there but I didn't want to go anywhere, either...  Today though I went to church and that felt really good but when I came home the depression hit again... I feel so inadequate and somehow wandering without a focus these past weeks...  I think I will feel better after the semester is over, and some of this constant pressure is off me for a while.
Anyway, when I got home and the sadness hit again I decided to pray... a lot. I didn't even know what to pray but I just knew I needed to pray so I prayed that I would know what to pray... And I found it difficult to keep praying because I was having a hard time concentrating - I didn't feel any major inspiration come, but I kept praying.   I prayed until I was so tired I was almost falling asleep, and then I lay down on my bed and did sleep. When I woke up I started reading the Ensign (the monthly official church magazine), which was all full of articles from the last General Conference.  And then I read the Book of Mormon, and I read and read and then sat and thought and prayed some more.  Eventually I started to feel a peace come over me, and a relief from my anxiety.

I don't know what has been the matter exactly, but I do feel a longing for a greater understanding, for a greater light inside me.  I have studied many of the prophets and their lives... and the stories of Enos, and the Brother of Jared, and Alma, and Moses, and of course Jesus.  All of them prayed so fervently, so powerfully, and they attained the answers they sought, and they communed with God.  Enos prayed all day and all night... and I wonder how his heart and his desires could have been so great that he could manage to do that?  I think about the apostles on the Day of Pentacost, who prayed and prayed that they could have the Holy Ghost with them, and it did come to them, and burned in them like fire.  I think about the disciples whom Jesus visited in the Book of 3rd Nephi in the Book of Mormon, and how they prayed and prayed, until they were purified and they shined like the sun as they prayed.  And it says that the Spirit told them what they should pray - and as they prayed, Jesus looked upon them, and smiled, and said, "Pray on".... and as the Book of Mormon says, "Nevertheless, they did not cease to pray."

Why are my prayers not more powerful? More meaningful?   I suppose I do not spend enough time in prayer... How much time every week do you suppose that Jesus prayed?  I know he would go to the mountains to be alone so he could pray... So did Moses, and Enos, and the Brother of Jared...  Devoting oneself to prayer I suppose means that one must decide to devote time to prayer.  It is difficult, but today, on Sunday, as I sat in my room and thought about all of the things I have to do, I also thought to myself, today is the Lord's day, what is more important than to pray to him?  What is more important than to seek repentance for my sins? What is more important than to purify my heart?  Nothing. Nothing else matters, if my heart is not pure, and if I am not striving to be one with God. Then everything else falls apart - and anything else I may accomplish becomes meaningless - if it is not serving God's children.


Here are the three scriptures today that I read on prayer that really helped me:

 Alma 34:
 17 Therefore may God grant unto you, my brethren, that ye may begin to exercise your faith unto repentance, that ye begin to call upon his holy name, that he would have mercy upon you;

  18 Yea, cry unto him for mercy; for he is mighty to save.

  19 Yea, humble yourselves, and continue in prayer unto him.

  20 Cry unto him when ye are in your fields, yea, over all your flocks.

  21 Cry unto him in your houses, yea, over all your household, both morning, mid-day, and evening.

  22 Yea, cry unto him against the power of your enemies.

  23 Yea, cry unto him against the devil, who is an enemy to all righteousness.

  24 Cry unto him over the crops of your fields, that ye may prosper in them.

  25 Cry over the flocks of your fields, that they may increase.

  26 But this is not all; ye must pour out your souls in your closets, and your secret places, and in your wilderness.

  27 Yea, and when you do not cry unto the Lord, let your hearts be full, drawn out in prayer unto him continually for your welfare, and also for the welfare of those who are around you.

Mosiah 23

 9 But remember the iniquity of king Noah and his priests; and I myself was caught in a snare, and did many things which were abominable in the sight of the Lord, which caused me sore repentance;

  10 Nevertheless, after much tribulation, the Lord did hear my cries, and did answer my prayers...

 

2 Nephi 32

  For if ye would hearken unto the Spirit which teacheth a man to pray ye would know that ye must pray; for the evil spirit teacheth not a man to pray, but teacheth him that he must not pray. 

And here is a link to the beautiful chapter in the Book of Mormon where the disciples are praying and Jesus with them: http://scriptures.lds.org/en/3_ne/19/26#26  
And here is the story of Enos, "pouring out his soul to God in mighty prayer": http://scriptures.lds.org/en/enos/1/4#4

So today I prayed - I didn't feel a burning fire, but by the evening I did find that which I had desired - peace.  I hope I can continue to devote myself more fully to prayer in the days ahead.  

Gratitude, Faith and Talents

 Since it is Thanksgiving week, today in church the speakers were talking about gratitude.  One of the speakers brought up the miracle of Jesus feeding 5000 people who were gathered to hear his word, with only a few loaves and fishes.  He talked about how Jesus, after he asked the disciples to gather whatever food they could find from the multitude, first prayed and gave thanks to God for the little that they had.  He pointed out that Jesus saw and was grateful for what was there, while his apostles could only see the lack of what was there. After he prayed Jesus began breaking the loaves and fishes up for the multitude, and the food multiplied, so that there were seven baskets leftover after all of the people had been fed.  

The speaker cited this as a formula that we should follow for using our faith and exercising gratitude, and I found it very interesting.  I believe this could apply to using and growing our talents, as well.  We are each given talents, and though we may see them as small and insufficient, we should always thank God for them and then begin working to expand them and put them to use helping others in any way that we can. If we do this, I believe our talents will be multiplied to fill the needs of both ourselves and the people that we serve. 

 I love this scripture from the Book of Mormon:

 Alma 32:40-43
..If ye will nourish the word, yea, nourish the tree as it beginneth to grow, by your faith with great diligence, and with patience, looking forward to the fruit thereof, it shall take root; and behold it shall be a tree springing up unto everlasting life.
And because of your diligence and your faith and your patience with the word in nourishing it, that it may take root in you, behold, by and by ye shall pluck the fruit thereof, which is most precious, which is sweet above all that is sweet, and which is white above all that is white, yea, and pure above all that is pure; and ye shall feast upon this fruit even until ye are filled, that ye hunger not, neither shall ye thirst.
Then, my brethren, ye shall reap the rewards of your faith, and your diligence, and patience, and long-suffering, waiting for the tree to bring forth fruit unto you.


I know that in this scripture Alma is talking about faith in Christ and living the commandments of God, but I often think of these scriptures as well as I am trying to work on and develop my musical talents.  Sometimes it seems like everything I am working for is taking much to long to come to fruition, but I believe that if we keep nourishing the gifts we have been given with "faith...great diligence, and with patience, then by and by we shall pluck the fruit thereof, and we shall reap the rewards of our faith, and our diligence, and our patience, and long-suffering, waiting for the tree to bring forth fruit unto us, even until we are filled, and we hunger not, neither shall we thirst."

How Does the Light, (parts I and II)

I.

How does the light
Get through to me?
Can it penetrate me?
How does it come into me
And shine from me?
Can it emanate from me?

I want this light Divine
It shines so gently
And so warmly
Into mine
Sometimes
It burns within me.

What peace I find
As God refines
My deepest feelings.



II.

How does the light

Come to me

And shine through me

It will emanate from me

Eventually.

Shine and glow,

Burn and warm and shine

Inside and out

A smile, warm, and bright

And kind

And eyes

That shine and gleam

And goodness

All throughout

And hands that seem

So gentle, graceful, touching

Gently

To comfort, to caress, with

Utmost tenderness

This place I've seen

So white and clean

And glowing

Soft and warm

Inside my heart

Happy and content

I see your eyes

I hear your voice

Your sweet, clear voice

And touch your face

I can't describe

The feeling.

So soft

And smooth

And radiating

...Burning

But without

Consuming.

Such a power,

Such a gentle power

Enveloping

Everything around

And to what extent -

To Endlessness,

But small enough

To hold me.

September 16, 2003 (part 1), December 20, 2004 (part 2)

Earlier this year I was feeling very nervous and afraid at the thought of starting at the conservatory.   This poem is from then.

You are afraid,
But you need not fear
The God whom you love
Is very near
And helping you
To grow in ways
You need to grow
In ways that you
Don't even know
His purposes will soon unfold
And you will see
How He
Has held you in his hand
Every moment -
You have never stood
Alone.


September 2010

And here is its counterpart from a little later.

The Lord hath heard my prayers
And he shall
Make me whole
The Lord has seen
My heart
And He hath saved my soul.

He heareth me, he taketh me
He maketh me His own
Day by day,
Month by month
Year by year -
I have never stood
Alone.

October 2010

More than coincidence

Who made the moon?
Who put it there?
Could the dust which formed it really care
Which way it turned
Or why or where
Enough to choose to gather there
And form a light
To cool reflect the sun's hot glare,
All round and white,
Which glowing light
Doth shine and guide our way by night?
 
And what of the sun, who made this one?
Did a ball of fuel so huge and round
Somehow gather and compound,
Separate from other worlds and life
And then, determine to ignite?

And so, at certain times of year
The sun and moon seem to appear
As One,
The Sun
Slides perfectly behind the moon
- Though certainly we know the sun
to be the vastly larger one,
Their paths are crossed in such a way
That on a certain day we see them
As though they were the same size,
And existing in the same sphere.
 - As if they were designed to intersect
Perfectly for our sight.

And of this world we dwell on,
Earth - 
Full of life
And beauty
Air and water,
Land and sea.
Did all this simply happen?
Could it be?

The water here,
The burning there,
Each of the planets
Turning,
Moving,
Burning,
Shining,
Gliding
In their place --
Is this the way of chaos,
Or of lost, ungoverned space?

Does organization prove creation?
Does purpose prove design?
Does separation show assignment,
or the planning of a mind?

Life comes from life,
This is the only way I've ever seen;
Could objects, then, inanimate
Ever bring a creature into being?

Somehow I cannot bring myself
To logically believe
That perfect systems spring from chaos,
Nor order from entropy.

Then, according to my sense,
And considering the evidence,
Life, and all that's in it
Has to be
More than coincidence.

The depth of a soul is wide as eternity, and its potential just as vast.



--"And his heart swelled wide as eternity... and all eternity shook" (Pearl of Great Price, Moses 7:41)