up and down...and prayer

This week I have been swinging up and down in and out of some sort of depression... I was really lonely on Saturday and spent most of my day in my room, where I started to feel like I wanted to scream or just go hysterical.  It probably wasn't a good idea to stay there but I didn't want to go anywhere, either...  Today though I went to church and that felt really good but when I came home the depression hit again... I feel so inadequate and somehow wandering without a focus these past weeks...  I think I will feel better after the semester is over, and some of this constant pressure is off me for a while.
Anyway, when I got home and the sadness hit again I decided to pray... a lot. I didn't even know what to pray but I just knew I needed to pray so I prayed that I would know what to pray... And I found it difficult to keep praying because I was having a hard time concentrating - I didn't feel any major inspiration come, but I kept praying.   I prayed until I was so tired I was almost falling asleep, and then I lay down on my bed and did sleep. When I woke up I started reading the Ensign (the monthly official church magazine), which was all full of articles from the last General Conference.  And then I read the Book of Mormon, and I read and read and then sat and thought and prayed some more.  Eventually I started to feel a peace come over me, and a relief from my anxiety.

I don't know what has been the matter exactly, but I do feel a longing for a greater understanding, for a greater light inside me.  I have studied many of the prophets and their lives... and the stories of Enos, and the Brother of Jared, and Alma, and Moses, and of course Jesus.  All of them prayed so fervently, so powerfully, and they attained the answers they sought, and they communed with God.  Enos prayed all day and all night... and I wonder how his heart and his desires could have been so great that he could manage to do that?  I think about the apostles on the Day of Pentacost, who prayed and prayed that they could have the Holy Ghost with them, and it did come to them, and burned in them like fire.  I think about the disciples whom Jesus visited in the Book of 3rd Nephi in the Book of Mormon, and how they prayed and prayed, until they were purified and they shined like the sun as they prayed.  And it says that the Spirit told them what they should pray - and as they prayed, Jesus looked upon them, and smiled, and said, "Pray on".... and as the Book of Mormon says, "Nevertheless, they did not cease to pray."

Why are my prayers not more powerful? More meaningful?   I suppose I do not spend enough time in prayer... How much time every week do you suppose that Jesus prayed?  I know he would go to the mountains to be alone so he could pray... So did Moses, and Enos, and the Brother of Jared...  Devoting oneself to prayer I suppose means that one must decide to devote time to prayer.  It is difficult, but today, on Sunday, as I sat in my room and thought about all of the things I have to do, I also thought to myself, today is the Lord's day, what is more important than to pray to him?  What is more important than to seek repentance for my sins? What is more important than to purify my heart?  Nothing. Nothing else matters, if my heart is not pure, and if I am not striving to be one with God. Then everything else falls apart - and anything else I may accomplish becomes meaningless - if it is not serving God's children.


Here are the three scriptures today that I read on prayer that really helped me:

 Alma 34:
 17 Therefore may God grant unto you, my brethren, that ye may begin to exercise your faith unto repentance, that ye begin to call upon his holy name, that he would have mercy upon you;

  18 Yea, cry unto him for mercy; for he is mighty to save.

  19 Yea, humble yourselves, and continue in prayer unto him.

  20 Cry unto him when ye are in your fields, yea, over all your flocks.

  21 Cry unto him in your houses, yea, over all your household, both morning, mid-day, and evening.

  22 Yea, cry unto him against the power of your enemies.

  23 Yea, cry unto him against the devil, who is an enemy to all righteousness.

  24 Cry unto him over the crops of your fields, that ye may prosper in them.

  25 Cry over the flocks of your fields, that they may increase.

  26 But this is not all; ye must pour out your souls in your closets, and your secret places, and in your wilderness.

  27 Yea, and when you do not cry unto the Lord, let your hearts be full, drawn out in prayer unto him continually for your welfare, and also for the welfare of those who are around you.

Mosiah 23

 9 But remember the iniquity of king Noah and his priests; and I myself was caught in a snare, and did many things which were abominable in the sight of the Lord, which caused me sore repentance;

  10 Nevertheless, after much tribulation, the Lord did hear my cries, and did answer my prayers...

 

2 Nephi 32

  For if ye would hearken unto the Spirit which teacheth a man to pray ye would know that ye must pray; for the evil spirit teacheth not a man to pray, but teacheth him that he must not pray. 

And here is a link to the beautiful chapter in the Book of Mormon where the disciples are praying and Jesus with them: http://scriptures.lds.org/en/3_ne/19/26#26  
And here is the story of Enos, "pouring out his soul to God in mighty prayer": http://scriptures.lds.org/en/enos/1/4#4

So today I prayed - I didn't feel a burning fire, but by the evening I did find that which I had desired - peace.  I hope I can continue to devote myself more fully to prayer in the days ahead.