To a Father

Tonight
I whisper a little prayer
To a Father, on my knees
To the God I cannot see
But who I feel is there

I know I am free, that
It is up to me to choose
Where I want to go
What I want to do
But I need
A little guidance now and then
A little push in the right direction...

And so I say a little prayer...
Asking Him to lead me
Once again.
I need Him now, as ever
I need to know things now
I didn't use to need
I need to be someone now
I didn't use to need to be.

And so tonight
I whisper a little prayer
To a Father, I've learned is there
And ask him, on my knees
To please lead me,
Where e'er his wisdom sees. 

Illumination

Can God illuminate my mind
So that I find
An avenue -
A dimension of truth
I never knew was there?

Can God open my soul
So in me flows
A source of truth
A river of light of which
I never was aware?

Can there be a time in which I see
That which I'd only dreamed to be
Can there be a place to which I go
Where thoughts expand and make this question
become as though
I've always known the answer?

I am not alone in the quest for truth,
But I believe there is One who
Already knows each answer.
Though he has withheld,
He knows that I will search;
Though he has gone unseen,
He knows that I will seek
Until I see and know -
and no longer believe.

Belief, if exercised,
Leads to experiment,
Leads to discovery,
And then to certainty.

Knowledge falls from heaven
As dew upon the flowers,
Not as April's showers,
But imperceptible and pure
As droplets formed in hours unknown,
Unseen by human eyes.

I exercise my faith,
I experiment on words
Spoken by men from ages past
I taste the gospel, sweet
And find a peace.

My quest begins then, here -
For if I so believe,
Then I have cause to search
Then I have cause to seek,
To find,
To know,
To reach
Until the truths
Of a voyage of discovery -
Born of dreams of unknown lands,
Born of faith in unseen hands -
Drop by drop
and hour by hour,
Reveal themselves to me.

Then,
If at length I see the shore,
Then I shall have faith no more
For once I see, then I shall know --
With utmost certainty.

Pre-competition jitters

(linked to: http://jacquelynweitz.blogspot.com/2011/03/happy-ness.html)

I find the time just before a big concert or competition to be some of the most difficult... I always am nervous, and am never quite sure what exactly the best thing to do is to prepare myself... There are so many little things I think about - what, how, and how much to practice... what to eat (and how long before the concert to eat it), what to wear and how to do my hair and get where I need to go and what time I should show up at the hall and how much I should warm up.  I probably worry too much about all this stuff because really, at this point, I know it doesn't matter much.  The most important preparation I have done is already finished, and now I just have to enjoy the experience of sharing music.

But tomorrow I want to be in the moment...

 I once got a blessing from one of my church leaders in Montana, when I was really worried about an upcoming performance (where he laid his hands on my head and said things that he felt inspired to say, that he felt God wanted me to hear). He told me to be comforted - that the concert would go well, and told me to have faith in my talent.  I have thought about that experience a lot since then... and how I always put a lot of faith in God, but that God also wants me to have faith in myself, and in my abilities that he has given me and which I have worked hard to develop.  For a performer, I know this is essential.  It is just so difficult sometimes because every time I "put myself out there", there is a very real risk that something in the performance could go terribly wrong.   But last week, before I played in the first round of the competition, the thought came to me that -- yes, something could go wrong, there is always a risk something could go wrong. But I also know for a certainty that a lot of things will go right, and many things will happen that are good and beautiful.  I need to focus on that, and the knowledge that I can give the audience something special -- a beautiful musical experience, and this will be the case - in spite of anything that goes wrong.    That is the perspective I'd like to continue to keep, and to have tomorrow when I play in this final round at SFCM.

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