Connection

Open
Mind -
To the truths of the Universe
Which are all around us
But simply waiting
For a passageway
To open up
Into our souls
Like a waterway
A beautiful canal
Being tediously dug
And built
Until one day
Finally -
The water breaks through
And everything
Flows.

Please
Keep building
This mind
Until every pathway in it
Connects
To the Ocean
of Truth.

(May 10, 2006)

I need thee

I am praying 
Here in my room, on my knees -
God, Thou seest me,
But why can I see not thee?

I am saying
Everything that is in my heart -
God, Thou hearest me
Yet Lord, why can't I hear thee?

I am pleading
For my eyes to be opened
To a greater light
God, thou knowest me
But why do I know not thee?

I am begging
For my mind to be lifted
To a greater height,
God thou teachest me,
But God, I cannot reach thee.

I am crying
For an answer to my prayers tonight -
But Lord I wait to feel thee.

Please, Lord
Do not leave me;
Do not leave me.
Thou art my Strength, my Hope, my Light,
And tonight, O God,
I need thee.

I feel as if

God placed His foot into the river

And said,

"Run"

And it ran to me.

I feel as if

God stood before the hearts of all His children

And said,

"Come"

And mine leapt from me. 

By Small and Simple Things

"By small and simple things are great things brought to pass."   Alma 37:6, The Book of Mormon

I have this scripture hanging on the wall next to my mirror... and I think about it often as I go to work practicing each day.  Sometimes the tediousness and minutia of the work becomes discouraging... but I always try to remember that great accomplishments come as the result of many small and often imperceptible steps.   

The words of this hymn come to my mind:

Press forward, Saints, with steadfast faith in Christ,
With hope’s bright flame alight in heart and mind,
With love of God and love of all mankind --
Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleliua!

learning

 I have been thinking about going through the LDS temple for the first time ever, which I have to admit is a little intimidating for me.    I have been there before just as a kid, but when you are a kid you don't go all the way through the temple.  When you are an adult and you are ready, you can go through for the first time (it is called "taking out, or receiving your endowments"). There you make covenants with God to always live according to his laws, and you learn about the blessings God promises if you keep the covenants.

 I know I have pretty much made the promises already in my heart to live according to God's commandments, but making them officially - dressed in white and in the temple with other people witnessing it - of course is somehow more serious - like deciding to get baptized.   Anyway, thinking about this has caused me to do quite a bit of soul-searching lately and to think seriously about what I believe and why I believe it.    I have decided that in the coming days I want to make a serious study of the other religions of the world and to attend some other church services, in order to better understand the religion  that I am choosing to follow as opposed to any other religion I could choose to follow in the world....   I want to have a sound understanding of the doctrines of -- not just my own -- but of all the major religions.  This is going to take some work.

 I know through experience that the principles I have learned to live by from this church all of my life have proven to be true principles, again and again and again.  I know there is a quiet voice inside of me which tells me what is right and wrong, and guides me when I need to make a decision.  I know God hears my prayers because I have had them answered so many times. I know I have felt a power from outside of myself, comforting me and leading me.

But there is so much I do not know.  I want to know the answers to all my questions...and I know that we can't know everything at once (just like in any secular field as much as in spirituality), but it is frustrating sometimes how long it can take to come to certain realizations, or to understand certain concepts.

Even in music, I have wished for years and years that I could have perfect pitch (the ability to hear any musical tone and immediately know what pitch it is)... and I have worked on it very diligently.  But as of yet, I have never succeeded in developing it.   I know that perfect pitch exists, I know many people have it and I have many friends that have it.  And of course I know that the idea of an "absolute pitch" (or absolute truth!) exists... I play them (absolute pitches) all the time -  I can see it them, hear them, and understand the idea intellectually, but for some reason I cannot yet seem to make that particular truth become a part of me - I cannot seem to yet recognize the "absoluteness" of pitches...even though intellectually I can understand the concept is true.

I know it is much the same in spiritual matters.  Just because I am unable to see or hear everything for myself does not mean that something is not so, or that it doesn't exist.   But I still desire to know, to learn to recognize every truth for myself.   And I will continue to strive to develop my spiritual gifts, just as I continue to try to develop my musical gifts.   I am completely determined in this matter, and I will not give up.   And I know God will continue to help me along the way...  In the mean-time (until I am able to come to the points of realization I desire), in music practice and in spiritual development, I base my actions on faith... on a firm belief that I have the ability to become better, to gain knowledge, to learn to understand concepts which I have never before been able to understand.  I believe this is true...otherwise I would never have been able to become what I have already become.

And so I continue...

 
























Pictures of the San Diego Temple (one of the most beautiful temples in my opinion!). 

Look down on me with love

A poem from 2009:

Lord I am struggling
I cannot sleep
Help me Father
Help me
I am afraid
I am weak
I am never enough

I am never good enough.

Help me, Father
I am struggling
I am dying inside
And I want free
Free from this aching,
Free from this shaking,
This fear.

Lord,
God above
Look down on me with love
Comfort thy daughter
Who reaches
But falls short

Lord,
Father Dear,
Wait not to draw me near
To let me feel Thy presence
Lord,
My God above
Look down on me with love.

God,
In my need
I have reached toward Thee
And Thou hast touched me.
Oh God,
In my need,
I have sought Thy word,
And it did comfort me.

God,
All that I have is Thine
And all I work to grow
Is not really mine
But I do love it as my own.

And so, God,
Thou canst hold me
In Thy hand
And this is how I ever shall stand
Supported by Thee -
Lord, Help me
To not always be afraid
Take my heart
And make it brave
Take my mind
and help me know the way,
And hold me near Thy heart today.

Help me Lord,
Know what to pray
My soul yearns for
The words I cannot say.

Father in Heaven,
God above,
Look down on me
With love.

Give me strength that I may bear
Whatever I may need to bear
Oh my God,
Help me not to fear,
And please Lord,
Hasten to come near
Save my soul,
I pray.

Oh my Father,
God above,
Look down on me
With love.

How do I know that God is real?
I guess I do not know for sure...
I do not know exactly who he is,
I haven't seen Him
I only know what I've been told
Except
I know that someone cares
For I've had answers to my prayers
So many times.
Who is he, really?
I would like to find
The answer to this question
In my mind I try to picture how
A God would spend his time,
If he has any...
If God does know my name
Does it ever come into His mind?
Somehow he gives me what I need
By providence divine,
But does he see me?
Tell me,
Does my father ever really
Think of me?  

Che cosa Dio vuole da me?
Che cosa?
Voglio essere qualcosa differente
Ma che cosa?
Voglio essere una nuova persona,
Nuova
Sempre meglio
Piu' chiara, piu' serena
Piu'sincera,
Voglio trovare ogni verita'
Che c'era,
Voglio sapere
Ogni cosa,
e persona,
e parola
che
e' vera.

Teachers...

The dream begins with a teacher who believes in you, who tugs and pushes and leads you to the next plateau, sometimes poking you with a sharp stick called "truth." ~Dan Rather

Practice

A quote I found on a blog today (for yoga, actually), that I really loved...    It describes how I feel about my musical study and practice, exactly:

"Abhyasa (practice) is a dedicated, unswerving, constant, and vigilant search into a chosen subject pursued against all odds in the face of repeated failures, for indefinitely long periods of time."- B.K.S. Iyengar

(here is the blog it was from:)
http://christinasell.blogspot.com/2011/07/we-had-really-fun-group-practice.html

Evidence of things not seen

Hebrews 11:1 - Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

Unto the furthest ends

I want to be clean and pure
Just as I was once before
I want to have all swept away
And never feel again the way
That I have felt so long.

All these things take time,
God knows our hearts
He knows our minds
He takes our hands and leads us
Daily
Through our lives
And helps us grow,
And helps us learn
One step at a time.

Our thoughts have been no secret
Our intentions no unknown
Though to some
We may conceal it
God has known us,
He has held us
All along....
And how he loves us.

Though I try to stay
Untainted
All have fallen,
All but One.
If the life that I have painted
Could seem blameless unto some
Still God has seen me.

For I falter
And I stumble
And I fall
Again and again,
I return to the same sins.
And I shame Him
For He takes my shame -
He took it as His own.

If a light of goodness can be seen
Inside each of our eyes
God can see it
He is our Father, wise,
And all our deeds are no surprise
In His great vision.

If our Father
Who is in heaven
Sees each sparkle,
Sees each vein
Each streak of light -
Each thought of goodness
Every desire to do right -
 - In every soul -
Surely He views our souls as precious,
Surely He reaches out to help us,
Surely He loves us.

And though to Him my sins
Show just as plainly on my face
As does my faith,
He knows that if I choose to follow Him,
And turn to Him
With all my strength
Eventually
The light He sees inside of me
Will win.

He sees...
And waits for me to reach to Him
In every grief
And each despair
And when I fall,
To know that He is there
Even in darkness
Even when I cannot bear the light
At all
He is still aware;
He is in the greatest depths
Because He has descended there.

He pulls me up -

Because His arm extends
Into the deepest dark,
Unto the furthest ends.

Happiness

Can a life be so full of happiness?
My cup overfloweth.
If God be not watching over me, then who?
If God be not guiding my path,
How could all this come to be?
How is it that so much beauty
Could exist? Without a plan?
Without a purpose?
I do not know,
Only I trust in God
He leads me through the darkness
And into light,
And the light warms me,
And my heart delights
In goodness,
And my soul is filled
With joy.

God in heaven, Tonight I am so grateful

So grateful for Thy kindness toward me

I don't know why

I feel so happy

But I feel that I am in Thy loving hand

That Thou art helping me.

God, if Thou wilt

Guide my path
I will surely follow Thee.
If I listen to Thee, Lord,
Then I shall learn to know Thee.
Thou knowest that which I seek -
Freedom, and true beauty;
For all freedom and all beauty
Exist in Thee.

http://www.astralbutterflies.com/butterflies/butterfly-images

To a Father

Tonight
I whisper a little prayer
To a Father, on my knees
To the God I cannot see
But who I feel is there

I know I am free, that
It is up to me to choose
Where I want to go
What I want to do
But I need
A little guidance now and then
A little push in the right direction...

And so I say a little prayer...
Asking Him to lead me
Once again.
I need Him now, as ever
I need to know things now
I didn't use to need
I need to be someone now
I didn't use to need to be.

And so tonight
I whisper a little prayer
To a Father, I've learned is there
And ask him, on my knees
To please lead me,
Where e'er his wisdom sees. 

Illumination

Can God illuminate my mind
So that I find
An avenue -
A dimension of truth
I never knew was there?

Can God open my soul
So in me flows
A source of truth
A river of light of which
I never was aware?

Can there be a time in which I see
That which I'd only dreamed to be
Can there be a place to which I go
Where thoughts expand and make this question
become as though
I've always known the answer?

I am not alone in the quest for truth,
But I believe there is One who
Already knows each answer.
Though he has withheld,
He knows that I will search;
Though he has gone unseen,
He knows that I will seek
Until I see and know -
and no longer believe.

Belief, if exercised,
Leads to experiment,
Leads to discovery,
And then to certainty.

Knowledge falls from heaven
As dew upon the flowers,
Not as April's showers,
But imperceptible and pure
As droplets formed in hours unknown,
Unseen by human eyes.

I exercise my faith,
I experiment on words
Spoken by men from ages past
I taste the gospel, sweet
And find a peace.

My quest begins then, here -
For if I so believe,
Then I have cause to search
Then I have cause to seek,
To find,
To know,
To reach
Until the truths
Of a voyage of discovery -
Born of dreams of unknown lands,
Born of faith in unseen hands -
Drop by drop
and hour by hour,
Reveal themselves to me.

Then,
If at length I see the shore,
Then I shall have faith no more
For once I see, then I shall know --
With utmost certainty.

Pre-competition jitters

(linked to: http://jacquelynweitz.blogspot.com/2011/03/happy-ness.html)

I find the time just before a big concert or competition to be some of the most difficult... I always am nervous, and am never quite sure what exactly the best thing to do is to prepare myself... There are so many little things I think about - what, how, and how much to practice... what to eat (and how long before the concert to eat it), what to wear and how to do my hair and get where I need to go and what time I should show up at the hall and how much I should warm up.  I probably worry too much about all this stuff because really, at this point, I know it doesn't matter much.  The most important preparation I have done is already finished, and now I just have to enjoy the experience of sharing music.

But tomorrow I want to be in the moment...

 I once got a blessing from one of my church leaders in Montana, when I was really worried about an upcoming performance (where he laid his hands on my head and said things that he felt inspired to say, that he felt God wanted me to hear). He told me to be comforted - that the concert would go well, and told me to have faith in my talent.  I have thought about that experience a lot since then... and how I always put a lot of faith in God, but that God also wants me to have faith in myself, and in my abilities that he has given me and which I have worked hard to develop.  For a performer, I know this is essential.  It is just so difficult sometimes because every time I "put myself out there", there is a very real risk that something in the performance could go terribly wrong.   But last week, before I played in the first round of the competition, the thought came to me that -- yes, something could go wrong, there is always a risk something could go wrong. But I also know for a certainty that a lot of things will go right, and many things will happen that are good and beautiful.  I need to focus on that, and the knowledge that I can give the audience something special -- a beautiful musical experience, and this will be the case - in spite of anything that goes wrong.    That is the perspective I'd like to continue to keep, and to have tomorrow when I play in this final round at SFCM.

~~~~~~~~~~

This gentle God who leads me
Tenderly along
Who gives me every reason
To live, to breathe, to work,
To give my voice in song -
I have seen
So many blessings
I have heard so many
Truths,
I have walked in lighted paths;
I rest my head
'Neath shelt'ring roofs.
I am free
For He is with me
I have strength,
For He is strong
I have comfort all about me
Though the road be hard and long,
I am safe for He is near me
I can dare for He is great,
I have faith for he has healed me,
and he makes my pathways straight.
When I search for Him, he reaches
When I seek, I surely find
When I look, he sees and touches
In my heart and in my mind
When I need, he gives me comfort
When I yearn, he calms my heart
And each day of life that passes
I see ever more a part
of his great wisdom,
And His love.

The Washington DC temple. My friend Russell took these pictures.  

Who can say
What God hath done
Or count the ways
The Lord hath blessed my life
In this single day?

I am so grateful for His mercy,
For his grace.
He looks on me with loving eyes,
He reaches to my humble life
And touches me
And teaches me
To follow truth and light.

He is forever kind,
Forever there,
Forever mindful
Of my needs.

He hears my prayer
When I am fallen on my knees
He hears my pleas
And strengthens me.
When I am most afraid,
He hears me cry
He knows that I
Have need of Him,
And He is kind. 

I cannot find
The words to say
The gratitude I feel inside
To my everlasting God,
To Jesus,
To my dearest brother,
And my Savior,
Whom I love.  
I will praise His name forever,
I will sing these songs of joy unending
To my highest Lord,
And greatest God.

Light Unseen

I believe in light unseen

In space not traveled

In life undreamed

I believe in all things good,

Good in all things;

In sound unheard,

In truth unlearned,

In love unknown, 

In realms unshown,

In beauty unborn,

And Light - 

Unseen. 

God's Light

God is
Filled with light
He is Light -
He shines like the sun.

He gives light to me,
He shines in my soul
And I am happy
He gives me so much peace.
God is light;
He is my light
He shines like the sun
In me.

I want so badly
Something which I do not have
Something which I've never had
I still want it
It hasn't gone away
This aching
This desire
It will not leave me
This fire that will not be quenched
It only cries
For freedom
For expression
For release.

God help me
Drop these fetters
God help me
Find the peace
And the strength
To do things right
To keep this fight,
To not give up
To never give in
Until I win this battle
Over my own
Weakness
and sin.